Saturday, February 9, 2008

Full House and Workin' out

Dear Moozie,
I thought about you a lot today. Of course, I think about you every day. But today, I thought about you more than usual. Roni and I have tummy bugs so we spent a nice quiet day at home while Bubba (I know how much you hate that nickname) was with his grandmother. The one who is still living. While Ronin played quietly in her brother's room (shhhh, don't tell him), I did a twenty minute yoga video. Near the end, she began to grow bored and she came into the living room to hang out with me. At some point I said, "Ronin, please move. Mommy is trying to do her yoga." I paused. Wouldn't that make a funny blog?, I thought. A list of the things my kids hear that I never, in a million years, would have heard as a child growing up in your house. I mean, the truth is that I don't think you even knew about yoga. I remember you exercising (other than a walk around the block occasionally) when I was about four. You took that aerobics class with Joy and you worked out endlessly to "Eye of the T iger". Why didn't you continue that hobby? It was so good for you. You dropped a lot of weight and you got into a size 12, I remember you saying! That lady taught me to tie my shoes. That was back when you actually had a few friends. I feel so sad thinking about how you just gave up on such healthy habits: friends and exercise. I wish I'd known how important exercise was before recently. Maybe I wouldn't have so much cellulite on my arse if I'd started working out a long time ago. I think about that free gym membership I never used which came with my college tuition. Geeez, if I could go back to those days, I'd work out two hours a day. I find it ironic that exercise is so precious to me now that I have very little time to do it! I even find myself studying my body, naked, in the mirror. Making sure I don't look like you. I annalyze it... "Well, I eat really well and I never smoked and I exercise and I'm mentally well... in comparison. Of course I don't look like her".

In a lot of ways I wish I could be more like you. For instance, Hunter is having some serious behavior problems. I wish that I could be as patient and loving as you were. I'm really good at ignoring. Some psychologists agree with that technique but it sure feels wrong. I want to be able to make him feel loved. As loved as you made me feel. I hope that those parts of your parenting start to channel through me more often.

Lately, the kids have been watching "Full House"... obsessively. I like that they love a show from my childhood, that we once shared. I can really relate to it so much more now. Those girls lost their mother. Sure, you didn't die until I was 28 but it still hurts like hell. I get really mad when I watch the episodes that deal with their mom's death. Danny, Jesse, and Joey are all so sensitive and kind to the girls. This one episode is about their first Thanksgiving without their mom. The guys go the extra mile to try and make it is really special for them. This is, obviously, the right thing to do. It's really hard to watch though because I am so bitter that no one tried extra hard to help me adjust to life without a mother (or father) the first year after you died. I felt so alone. I had to learn to just baby myself. I missed you so much I couldn't breathe. I had to take Benedryl on Christmas day because I was broken out into hives. Why didn't I have someone in my life who gave a crap? This past year was different because I created so much activity that there was not enough time to feel as mournful. But it still hurt. This one moment when we were decorating the tree was really hard. I saw an ornament that we'd had all of my life. I always pretended that it was you and dad. A girl and boy snowman. The image was more than I could bear. I broke down. My kids are kind. They have love the size of an ocean in their hearts. They always end up comforting me. I hate that it's them but I'm so glad to have them. I suppose this is preparing them for being loving and giving people when they are adults. I hope so. I hope they are as full of love and compassion as you and I. We rock at that.
I love you Moozie,

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