Saturday, February 23, 2008

A calling

Dear Mama,
The past week, I have felt such an intense calling. For a few years now, I've had an increasing interest in women and self-esteem. However, the past few days, I feel like the Universe is making it extremely clear that I need to be working on this aspect of Artsy Mamas even more so than I already am.
Last night, my friend Corinna led an Artsy Mamas workshop which I titled "Be Your Own Valentine", implying that we should love ourselves up in light of the holiday during which we are sending cards and having candle light dinners for others... often times others who don't treat us with the respect we deserve. The workshop she led was primarily about affirmations. I realized during the workshop something that I already knew. I don't give myself permission to affirm me. Instead, I seek it out from others, like so-called friends who've made it clear that they are finished with me and even from my husband who is not so great at dishing out gratuitous compliments at the risk of sounding fake. When I make a dinner that is pretty darn good, I don't accept that it is good unless Michael makes a comment about it. I cannot accept that if I thought it was delicious then there is some validity to that fact. It's as if I don't let my opinions count. Even now. Even now that I am an accomplished "career gal" with a clear-defined path in front of me, I wait for that elusive, "Thanks Honey, dinner was delicious. You sure know how to whip up something spectacular, without even using a recipe." Hmph. Why is that? Why is it that I cannot accept my own feelings and thoughts as valid? Perhaps it comes from the brainwashing that I endured and witnessed on a regular basis growing up in that house. I would dare say that has something to do with it.
I want to make a difference, Mom. I want to help other women out there who are struggling with the things with which you and I struggled and (for me) continue to do so. We all have it in us to go from miserable, lonely, underachievers who feel as if the world is doing them a favor by letting them exist to being the mothers of a beautiful bouncing brain child, ready to take over the world. This is ultimately my calling. I may achieve other goals, like creating quality television, becoming a published writer, or, even enjoying slight fame and recognition. But none of those achievements will be even a little bit as fulfilling as creating ways to truly reach those women who need help loving themselves.
This is my destiny. I can see it so clearly. Every thing is falling into place. I was put here to make a difference and I'm not going to stop until I do.
Thank you for this gift.

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