Friday, March 21, 2008

Happy Easter

Dear Mama,
It's almost Easter. The holidays make me miss you even more than usual. For some reason Easter is actually harder than all of the other holidays, except for Christmas maybe. Today I tried my hand at starting my own traditions for the kids while trying to weave in some of the traditions from my childhood. Michael boiled some eggs and while the little kids were asleep (we babysit a little boy twice a week now) Hunter and I had an outdoors tea party and then we colored in coloring books on the quilt for a while. We sat among the buttercups. The people who lived in this house before us probably had a gazebo which would explain why there is a giant circle of buttercups in our front yard. I have considered burying your ashes in the center of the circle, should I ever possess them. The buttercups make me think of you so much. Today we dyed the hard boiled eggs and then made them into "rock stars" thanks to some silly kit I got on clearance at Kmart right after you died. Then I filled all of my plastic eggs (same ones I've had since Hunter was first born) with vegan chocolate chips, spelt ginger cookies, and organic cereal. As I was hiding them for the kiddos, I went to drop one into the center of a buttercup and suddenly, I was overcome by emotions and a flood of memories. I remembered hunting eggs at Mammy's and Pappy's every year. I remembered the buttercups and how they were everywhere. And there would be eggs hidden inside of them. And in the old abandoned tires. And that old red water pump. And in the cracks on the porch. And in the bushes. If it rained, and it did a few years, you would just hide the eggs indoors and it was just as much fun. I remember that Daddy would peel egg after egg and eat so many I wondered how he didn't get sick. And I remember the special prize eggs that would be wrapped in foil and filled with money. Most of all, I remember that every single year ` of my life, I had an Easter basket. Until you were gone. I guess it was time for me to grow up. But man how I wish I could receive some silly Easter basket from you. This year, I'd have asked for money to buy the new B-52's cd that comes out Tuesday, some new Burt's Bees Lip Shimmers, and some new underwear.

I promised myself that I wouldn't cry. So much for that.

I love you, Moozie.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

A letter to Dawn's Mom

It seems so weird to say mommy after all God felt the need to take you to make me who I am today. It's been almost 20 years since your death. I think about you everyday. At first it was I forgot your voice and then it was I forgot the way your hands looked then it was the little laugh lines you had where the placement was and if I they look like mine now. I hope you are proud of me mommy. I have tried the best I know how in life and you didn't make it easy but I knew that Grandma and you were watching me and protecting me in those moments of loneness. I am so lucky to have known such a corky, fun and lovable person in such a short time. I thought about you a lot at night and if you could hear me when I spoke to you in my bed. I wanted to make daddy and you very proud of me always. I do miss daddy terrible I know it was hard for you after daddy died I saw that you just couldn't be without him. I am who I am today because of you. The day I graduated high school is the day
I was going to stop being anger at you for leaving and realized that you were shaping me to be who I am today. I felt so alone with my two little ribbons. Everyones family was there to cheer them on and in the stands was my friends whom where as close as a family I had. I know you were differently watching over me in Florida and you really worked over time. I have your sense of humor I think and that corky personality. Mom I bet you were so happy when your granddaughter Zoe came along. I wondered what you said about her and how much she looked like me. When Cole came around I knew you would be proud to have such a handsome boy. I talk about you to them all the time. I show them pictures of you and talk about the crazy dance sessions in our living room SOLID GOLD SATURDAY NIGHT. I want you to know that I know if you would've known what was going to happen to me at Rey and Pauline's you would have never sent me there. I know that broke your heart. I miss you everyday and
try not to think of you on the days I need you the most but its only to get me by on those days. I love you and miss you everyday I am a grateful to have known you.
Dawn Rhodes