Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Dear Mama,
Ever since I got some of your things, I've felt further away from you. I've felt like you weren't with me as much. Or maybe that I didn't need you with me as much. I don't really know. And I don't have the extra money for twenty sessions with a psychologist so I guess it will have to remain a mystery. What I do know is that I've felt like maybe you didn't love me or even like me anymore by the time you died. And who could blame you? I was irritated with you all of the time. I had a terrible attitude and I was annoyed by everything you did. I took all of your actions as a personal affront to me. So, when I was going through your things and your writing went on and on about everyone and everything other than me, or even your grandchildren, I realized that maybe that cord had been cut a long time before you died.

That is when I realized that I've been grieving for you for years. Maybe subconsciously I knew that there was something seriously wrong with you long before the diagnosis. Maybe I knew that even if you didn't end up dead, you would never be there for me ever again in any way other than as a burden. There had been a time when I could depend upon you. When we had been friends. Best friends. But that time had ended. Several years ago. Maybe the end was solidified when you didn't seem interested in helping with my wedding. When you didn't offer to take me shopping for anything. When all that you contributed was making the little bird seed bags and showing up. And I'm almost certain you wouldn't have shown up if I'd given you permission to skip it.

I'm not angry. Or at least I don't think that I'm any angrier than I was before. I'm just sad to know that I didn't have a normal mother/daughter relationship at all as an adult and I'm not sure that I have any idea how to be the mother I should be to my own daughter(s). I'm very confused. I'm very scared.

We have another baby on the way. She/He is due to arrive near H's birthday. I just keep thinking how hard it will be to have a baby that neither of my parents know at all. It's a terrible feeling. Just terrible.



miranda said...

just read a couple of the latest blogs about your mom. I really wanted to comment about the most recent one and say a few things. I think most people our age are seriously annoyed with their parents during the "finding yourself" stage. Joan did not hold that against you. She loved, more than you realize, and still does. Ever feel like you have a guardian angel looking over your shoulder? Well, you do and you know who it is. By the time you were getting married I am guessing that the cancer was already progressing. There is no way Joan would have skipped your wedding!! Know that in your heart. You know in your heart that Joan loved you more than any other person she ever met. She was always your best friend, and still is. Love like that never fades.

Dina said...

Very beautiful blog.

Sad, but beautiful.

Has writing the letters helped you? I can imagine it does in some ways.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad I found your blog. I've been writing to my mom in a journal since she died of cancer two years ago this month. I'm also 28 years old. It's strange how familiar a lot of your entries feel. When my mom got sick, there seemed to be vast expanses of distance between us suddenly. I wonder sometimes if it was a way of preparing for our permanent separation. Now that she's gone, I realize there's so much about her and our relationship I never understood. Anyway, I just wanted to say that your blog is beautiful and very helpful.


Bona Fide Mama said...

Thank you so much for the kind comments. Kristen, please send me some way of getting in touch.

Dina, yes, I think that the letter writing has helped. Maybe that's why I didn't feel as if I had to do it lately?